


Torn

by Citron0



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Addiction, Almost A Suicide Attempt, Anxiety, Blood, Canon Compliant (Mostly), Gen, Self-Harm, Set after Volleyball, Spoilers for Volleyball, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, happens almost immediately after that episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21722026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Citron0/pseuds/Citron0
Summary: Spoilers for SU Future. Steven disgusted by his new power, takes means to make sure he won't endanger anyone again.
Relationships: Garnet & Steven Universe, Ruby/Sapphire (Steven Universe)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 211





	Torn

His Gem kept activating on its own, he hated it. He hated having to worry about hurting people. He hated doing things that kept reminding everyone around him of his mom, of Pink.  
He sat alone in the bathroom at 1 o'clock in the morning. It was late enough for the Gems to assume he was asleep, so he didn't have to worry about them finding him not in his room. His hand covered his Gem, was he really doing this? Yeah, he was. He couldn't control it, having power wasn't worth it if it only harmed those he cared about. He wasn't her, he wasn't Pink, he wasn't Rose. He could do it.  
"I don't want you! I don't want you anymore!" He nearly shouted to himself, now bathed in pink light.  
He tore out his Gem, the world blinked out of existence. The only thing he felt was the weight of his diamond on his chest.

* * *

Steven felt severed when he reformed, like half of him was missing.   
"Oh, that's right." He mumbled at the passed out organic half. He had done it to himself this time. That fleshy, organic piece of himself looked like he was ill and he was definitely damaged from falling; blood was spilling out from his skull. He gave a peck to his forehead, sparkles came and went repairing all the damage done. He looked slightly less pale, but obviously Steven wouldn't be able to survive without Steven, him, the Gem half. He was so frail, did he really think he could survive without him? At the same time, he didn't want to deny himself his right to be human.

* * *

Glowing whitish pink arms held him when he woke up.   
'Oh, that's right.' He was supposed to have thrown his Gem after he took it out, but he ended up collapsing. He wanted to jump out of his arms, but he lacked the strength for that. There was that **need** again, that overwhelming need to be whole again. Ugh, what was he thinking? He was better off just rejuvenating himself, he couldn't live without his Gem. He clung to himself, simultaneously repelled and compelled to fuse back into one. He couldn't control his urge, it was primordial, raw, and uncontested.

* * *

There was no fanfare this time, no dancing or laughing, just the desperate hug of a scattered Gem hybrid.

He didn't want to lose control again. He didn't want to be the cause of so much harm.  
He didn't want to die, he didn't want to lose part of himself because he was being selfish. If he lost half of himself, he wouldn't really be Steven Universe anymore. The galaxy would be short a Diamond and a defender; the galaxy would be short a healer, a son, a friend. He couldn't do that, he did so much for all of them if he stopped his work could be undone. Wasn't that what he was doing? Undoing? He was trying to remove himself from the picture without bothering to consider how that would make others feel; it was never about him, he was doing this for them—wasn't he?   
Was he doing this to just _absolve_ himself of _responsibility_ from his powers? That wasn't going to make it any better, he gave up on himself the second he lost control. He couldn't grow like that; he wasn't giving himself the opportunity to learn, to improve, to change. He was savior of the galaxy, couldn't he act like it? His memories of being split were once again jumbled, it was organized chronically causing some to overlap. He shook his head and started to mechanically clean up the blood. Part of him wasn't surprised to see it, the other part never realized he _was_ damaged.   
Damaged? He's been spending too much time with Gems, he's losing his human vocabulary. Taking into account that he had to learn a whole new writing script, dialect and idioms; shards, it wasn't all that surprising.  
He straightened his spine, "Okay, now I just need a rejuvenator, then everything will be fine, I'll be able to control it by disabling it when it gets out of control. Yeah, this will be fine." He rambled to himself in the fluorescent lights of his bathroom at 3 in the morning.

* * *

He didn't like keeping secrets from the Gems, but they probably wouldn't approve of what he was doing. He did however tell White, he requested a tinier version of one, like a switchblade. She didn't object to him, only telling him not to use it too frequently. He could do that; he was going to just prick his finger on it, nothing more.

* * *

When it arrived, it was smaller than a pen. He had it in his jacket pocket at all times. He wasn't expecting himself to use it much. But who does?  
It became routine, familiar, comforting despite how it hurt him with every use. He felt like he couldn't master it and depended on the rejuvi-jector like a lifeline.   
It got to the point where he got anxious if he was left without his jacket. What if he lost control? What if something sets him off?  
"Steven?" Amethyst had poked his arm, it was a beach day, "You doing alright?" He was wearing only his swim trunks, they weren't yellow like his old ones.  
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" They were pink with diamond-shaped pockets. The Diamonds got it for him when he had to do peace talks with that oceanic colony in Sector 4.  
"You look like you're about to throw up."  
"It's nothing, don't worry about it."  
"Hm, alright, but if you _do_ barf, you're cleaning it up."  
"That's fine." He wanted to tell someone that he needed help, but Jasper had a point, he needed to start handling things on his own. He couldn't afford to saddle people with his problems, he couldn't be a burden. He wouldn't be! He refused to be a negative force in people's lives.  
The water shined with a pink tint, "Oh no." He needed to get to his jacket, he swam as fast as he could to the shore. He tried to shake it off, but it wasn't leaving. Why? Oh stars, was he going to hurt someone or something again?  
"I have to use the bathroom!" He all but shouted with a raised octave. Garnet watched him leave not buying it for a second. After a moment, she got out of the water to find him.

* * *

Steven was in his room with a small fuchsia blade aimed at his wrist.  
"Steven, come on, this is your power, why can't you control it?" Maybe he needed more than a prick, maybe he needed a slash?  
"Steven!" Garnet hollered, the blade fumbled out of his hand.  
"Garnet? Wh-what are you doing here? Knock next time, you need to get away from me."  
"Steven, I couldn't see far into your future, and this is why. I had no idea you were hurting yourself with this **_micro_** -rejuventor." She held it in her gauntlet.  
"I-it's not what it looks like!" He lunged at it, Garnet moved out of his path, "I have to use it to keep myself from hurting you or anyone else."  
"You don't need this." Her fist closed around it. He heard the metal squeak in protest, his heart jumped at the sound.  
"Yes, I do!"  
"You do not."  
"I can't manage it on my own, can't you see I'm trying to protect you?!"  
"I don't need protection."  
"You do from **me**!" Tears formed in the creases of his eyes, "That crack on Volleyball came from **Mom** , not White!"

' _Anything she could do, I can do,'_ he didn't have to say it, they both felt it. Garnet looked slightly taken aback, her grip loosened from the shock, but other than that it didn't show from behind her golden shades.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't want to have you in my blast radius. Please," his lip trembled as the glow faded from his skin, "give it back."  
"I won't."  
"Why not?" He felt betrayed in a ' _because we love you'_ sort of way.  
"You don't need some _trinket_ to control your powers," She set it down on the bed and placed her hands on his shoulders, his gaze shifted to it almost instantly.

"Look at me." His eyes darted between the two, "You have to embrace your new power for what it is. Like Ruby's fire or Sapphire's frost, it can get out of control, but with a steady mind and a steady heart, it can be an asset to you. Anger isn't a purely negative thing, Steven. It's as much as an emotion as joy or sadness, what can make it negative is how you express it." She snapped the blade in two, he flinched at the sound, "Join me in my Little Homeschool class tomorrow, and maybe we can go over that with co-teachers Ruby and Sapphire."  
"What? Don't unfuse because of me!"  
"I think you'll find the lesson informative."  
"I-,"  
"There's always more to learn, Steven, saving the galaxy doesn't make you exempt from that fact."  
"I'll," he bit his lip, "check it out."  
She patted his head, "I'll be looking forward to seeing you there."  
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, he just wished Garnet hadn't destroyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> I managed to put everything I wanted in this fic. This was partially inspired by a dream I had where Steven was pricking his finger on the rejuvenator sythe.


End file.
